24. Home Again

3/3/17

Thoughts. They are under our control. Good ones are welcome in the mind. Bad ones are given the boot. I've always believed that. We are in control. Not the thoughts.

So here's the good: Vraju is home!!!! He's peaceful. He's relieved. He's just become like a comfortable kid, in his bed and thankful to be home. Your prayers, YOU! Did this! We have you by our side. And Krishna! His recovery from this surgery went much faster than expected. Doctors were smiling from ear to ear. Nurses were laughing as they spoke of it. We were relieved and just ready to get outta there.

Here's the bad: How long for full recovery? Tumors are still in there. We gotta wait for pathology and maybe do surgery again? Is it cancer? Is it a few years of chemo? Off to therapy again? Will he read again? Etc etc etc.. The unbridled mind can go down a rabbit hole.

But my mind has been bridled. Strong japa keeps it that way (for now). I just won't allow it to go down that rabbit hole. So where does the pain and fear go? So interesting. Because there has been no crying allowed, it flows into my body. This past few days, burning skin (like an internal rush of dread), nausea, loss of appetite, just overall heaviness. Never before felt such craziness.

Is this what all moms experience when faced with fatality and mortality? Is this what the residents of all those war torn countries go through? Is this type of unadulterated suffering all around us?

Arjuna, the famous warrior experienced something similar. The whole Bhagavad Gita was spoken because of his physical symptoms of dread.

"I feel the limbs of my body quivering and my mouth drying up. My whole body is trembling, my hair is standing on end, my bow Gāṇḍīva is slipping from my hand, and my skin is burning. I am now unable to stand here any longer. I am forgetting myself, and my mind is reeling. I see only causes of misfortune, O Kṛṣṇa, killer of the Keśī demon.

"And who was Arjuna.. Such a powerful man, warrior, that emperors shook like twigs in his presence. And who am I? Just a fallen Kali Yuga girl, in the role of a mom.. If he experienced it, what hope have I of conquering them?

Queen Kunti prays:
Tatha paramahamsanam, muninam amalatmanam, Bhakti yoga vidhanartham, katham pasyema hi striyah?

"Oh my dear Sri Krishna, you have come to give Bhakti to the advanced transcendentalists, pure souls. How can I, just a simple girl, see Your hand in everything?

"As Arjuna has done, I'll offer my symptoms to Krishna. I'll accept them, allow them, feel them, and offer them to Him. Take it all my dear Lord. Let my mind stay focused on the good and boot out the bad. Let your healing holy name and the prayers of all your devotees carry us through.