23. Disassociation
3/2/17
Disassociation and denial are very real symptoms of processing through pain. I think we're in those stages.
Is it real? Is it happening? Am I dreaming? A brain tumor? In Vraju? Someone quick, pinch me and life can be regular again.
I wake up and realize hmm.. I *am* in the hospital and yes, this is very real. HH Rtadhvaja Maharaj said it's basically unfathomable for a mom to accept danger in her child's life, when every cell in her body is hardwired to protect him. I'm seeing internally that I haven't yet accepted it. Hearing others speak about it, makes it real. And brings intense discomfort.
Theoretically, I can understand that nothing in the material world is real. But practically, I've given this body attention for many years, and that body has become my reality. It's temporary. It's prone to disease. What a quandary we've placed ourselves in! Why are we foolish enough to attach ourselves to something so rotten.
As far as Vraju, your prayers are literally life giving. He's making so much progress. He's walking, talking, and wants to go home. All morning he's been pushing himself to read. "Mommy, does 'wh' make the 'h' sound or the 'w' sound?" There's a sign in the room that he's figured out and he was so excited to tell me. Then he did a mind blank and couldn't and was frustrated.
But his vitals are good. His recovery is swift. All that other stuff will come as the brain swelling decreases. The doctors are so pleased that we may be going home sooner than planned.
We'll then need to continue his recovery and meds from home. We'll wait for two weeks for the pathology report to come back. And then figure out what actions needs to be taken to get rid of the rest of the tumors. Settle in for the long haul.
Perhaps some of you may be getting tired of me going on about this situation. My problems aren't more tragic or more important than anyone else's. Krishna has been kind to place us in a situation where we will have appreciation for others' pain, before we attempt to "change the world" with Krishna consciousness.
Thank you for reading this far. Maybe these posts will help someone, I don't know.
For now, I wish to meditate on this verse.
Nitai carana Satya, tahara sevaka Nitya, Nitai sada Koro asa -
Sri Nityanandas lotus feet are real. His servants are in the eternal realm. Let's hanker to enter His reality.
I can't wait.
