8. It's a Brain Tumor
2/24/19
The neurosurgeon finally came in after all the MRI scans were complete. She was going to tell us about the surgery, the nurse said. She had a team of residents and interns around her - all with notepads. It was really early in the morning. Because nurses had been waking him up every few hours for three days to take vitals, we were both exhausted - but especially him. I was groggy and he was barely awake.
She was brisk, quick, business, official. There were few to zero pleasant words exchanged.
“So, Mrs. Schomaker? We’ve taken a look at all the scans and well, we’re going to just have to go in and just take that out.
”Go in? Go in where? Are you talking about my kid’s brain like that?? Take that out?? What was “that”?! I didn’t understand. (I stayed quiet and did not let her know what was going on in my head lol)
“Oooh, no one has talked to you about the results from the MRI?
”Umm.. no. We’ve just literally been sitting here waiting for days. (That’s what I said in my mind - I’m sure I said something more polite out loud.)
“Oh, okay. Well, it’s a tumor. It seems to be a few of them, actually.”
Deep breath. I think my mind went a bit blank after that. I don’t remember what she said afterward. I was trying to remember it so I could repeat it back to Rupa Prabhu who was at home, but I don’t know really remember if I did. A tumor? OH MY ****ING G*D! A TUMOR??!! In the BRAAIINN?!! How could that possibly even be?
I remember just feeling angry. After she left, tons of anger flooded me. How could she reveal such shocking news so abruptly! Bedside manner? Intense heat rushed through my pores. I was literally seeing red. I wanted to curse. I put up a really abrupt Facebook post
“It’s a bleeping tumor people. Go figure”. But removed it when my friend told me that it was too shocking and there are too many people following this story; that I must only post when I’m calm and level-headed. So many emotions coursed through me. I wanted to swear and yell and scream. I held Vraju tightly. I didn’t even know what he was feeling. He just continued to seem calm. Though a blankness entered his eyes - I do remember that. I texted Devika, my to-become-fast friend. She arrived and I think I ranted to her. She was a savior that day. Vraju continued to try to calm me down. I felt like an idiot for needing him to calm me down when he was the one with the tumor! Why am I freaking out? I need to stay calm for him, I told myself. It was a flurry of feelings and emotions and yes, I would not wish that on anyone.
Rupa Prabhu and Rt Swami came soon afterwards. Rupa Prabhu said maybe that she doesn’t have the best bedside manner means she’s a really good neurosurgeon. Bless his heart. He knew the right things to say.
This is what I posted soon after they arrived. I know this post was me convincing myself. I didn’t feel very strong at all. But still no tears came. I just prayed for strength.
“I don't rlly have the right words to say this right now. I never thought I would need to. But, many of you are in this journey with us so I'll try.
It's a tumor/mass. He'll need brain surgery....😬🙄😳...
They don't know if it's benign or cancerous yet. So that's a good thing.
You are all the cream of the crop of the population on this Earth planet; high-minded, spiritually connected, close to Krishna. Your prayers are very valuable. Please pray. I wanna get in there and ask the Lord to zap this thing, the way he protected Pariksit Maharaj in Uttara devi's womb and zapped that brahmastra.
Of course, if He has other plans, we'll accept them. Then pray for strength to completely and fully trust him. We are His. Vraju is His.”
What I learned that day: It is okay to freak out. It is okay to have a flurry of emotions. It is okay to not be strong all the time. Life circumstances are such at times, that there is no way to always stay calm. Accept yourself. Accept all your feelings. Just try to remove yourself from them a little bit and be an observer. That’s what I did and with Krishna’s help, it worked.
